So often harmless gossip can begin with these 4 words; or just as easily the announcement of extremely good, or extremely bad, news. It’s all in the tone and facial expression, isn’t it?
So much of communication is dependent on tone and expression. Then there are those monotone still people – those can do quite a number on us.
I had such a moment this last week. I admit to feeling initially hopeful hearing the words; for about 2 micro-seconds, when the cruelest reality b-slapped me instead. “Did you hear about Nicole?” pause…<never bother with a pause when given a quizzical look, it doesn’t help-just bloody spit it out!> “She died last night.”
My brain screamed, “WTF”???!!! Nicole is/was younger than me, and neither of us is near 50, so “natural causes” were 100% out of the question. She wasn’t a close friend, but was a mentor, someone I admired and respected, and a valuable contributor in a system where contributions are squelched, squashed, and otherwise squandered.
All those wonderful stages of grief, well, sometimes they fly by in a breath, or I just get stuck in one of them and neglect all the others, because, after all, what’s the point to indulge in them ALL, right?
That moment turned into another tear-fest in the shower that night. I am amazed that no one has ever drowned grieving in the shower; minding one’s inhalations is truly crucial.
I am stuck in ANGER at a system I’ve been stupid enough to participate in, and with no real reward at the end of the journey; although much work my particular part of the organization does is extremely beneficial to our community – the what’s in it for me (or Nicole, for that matter), dies a little more every day. What was in it for her? Well, we, the “fat government workers” can no longer afford our share of health care (the take-aways totalled more than 18% at the end of the day), so now we subsidize the communities’ “needy” by participating in the local Government Health Plan for a few hundred dollars a month (instead of the $750/mo for “real” health care). Can’t get an appointment; can’t save our lives, just ask Nicole. Oh, yeah, we can’t.
Yes, I am still angry – she wasn’t done with her to do list – her daughter is now an orphan. Tuesday is her memorial, and I hope that her family finds some small amount of solace in the full house that will be there for them, as Nicole touched SO many people, tried so hard to make a difference in the face of indifference, and was a force to be reckoned with.
There is no hug big enough.
All this, and more, began with 4 little words on a Wednesday morning.
Pondering Moments 